Hi Tweets,

Please forgive me, but I just couldn't resist forwarding these
commandments to the List! They don't at all concern birds (of the
feathered sort, anyway), so please hit your delete key now if you're so
inclined..........

---Lisa <subplot at juno.com>
Seattle WA

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The Twelve Commandments of Flaming

Prologue: Flames should be witty, insulting, interesting, funny,
caustic, or
sarcastic, but never, ever, should they be boring.

1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies
sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly,
Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."

2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're
qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by using the
word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy."

3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the
next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal! From the Apple II
RoundTable to X-10 Powerhouse RoundTable, they're all holding their
breath until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
possibly be that you're a sh--head. There's obviously a conspiracy
against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing
it.

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin
& Yang of Flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in
good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Bertha has
libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha."

6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus states
outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand
documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Harry's pasta
preferences, then Harry's obviously lying.

7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of
flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per
article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "veni, vidi,
vici," and "fetuccini alfredo."

8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince
them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that
you're a member of Mensa, or Mega, or Dorks of America. Tell them the
scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my
SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic'."

9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American
citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by
the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your
cross-posting or move a flame war to e-mail is either a communist, a
fascist, or both.

10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have
you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen
them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the
beauty of flamers' logic.

11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember
this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a Flamer you
will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than
you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make
you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to
do: INSULT THE DIRTBAG!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange
things with vegetables."

EXAMPLE...for the Rookie Flamer:

> Dear Joe,

I object to your use of the word "dear." It shows you are a
condescending, sexist pig. Also, the submissive tone you use shows that
you like to be tied down and flagellated with licorice whips.

> While I found your article "The Effect of Belly-Button Lint
> on Western Thought" to be extremely thought-provoking,

"Thought-provoking?" I had no idea you could think, you rotting piece of
swamp slime.

> it really shouldn't have been posted in rec.scuba.

What? Are you questioning my judgement? I'll have you know that I'm a
member of the super-high-IQ society Menstruate. I got an 800 on my PMS
exam.

Your attempts constitute nothing less than censorship. There is a
conspiracy against me. You, Riff Raff, and Simon Sinister have been
constantly harassing me by e-mail. This was an ad hominem attack! I have
therefore cross-posted this to alt.flame, rec.nude, comp.graphics, and
rec.arts.wobegon.

> Perhaps you should have posted it in misc.misc.

It is my right, as granted in the Bill of Rights, the Magna Carta, the
Bible, and the Koran to post whereever I want to. Or don't you believe
in those documents, you damn fascist? Perhaps if you didn't spend so
much time sacrificing virgins and infants to Satan, you would have
realized this.

> Your article would be much more appropriate there.

Can you document this? I will only accept documents notarized by my
attorney, and signed by you in blood. Besides, you don't really exist
anyway, you AI project, you.

*************End***************