I know, I know....I probably shouldn't post this but the recent thread
concerning 'visitors from another galaxy' reminded me of an old Dave
Barry column. I'm sure some of you tweets will get a kick out of it.
Took me a while to find it, but here ya go. Please forgive me for
posting it - I just couldn't help myself. Enjoy!

Andy Sorensen
ajstudio at ptialaska.net
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THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
COMING! -Dave Barry

I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that the
Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is thinking
about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast
signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings
have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal
programs as if they were merely poor people.

I realize some of you may not believe that alien beings exist. But how
else can you explain the many unexplained phenomena that people are
always sighting, such as lightning and flying saucers? Oh, I know the
authorities claim these sightings are actually caused by "weather
balloons," but that is a bucket of manure if I ever heard one. (That's
just a figure of speech, of course. I realize manure is silent.)

Answer this question honestly: Have you, or has any member of your
immediate family, ever seen a weather balloon? Of course not. Nobody
has. Yet if these "authorities" were telling the truth, the skies over
America would be dark with weather balloons. Commercial aviation would
be impossible. Nevertheless, the authorities trot out this tired old
explanation, or an even stupider one, every time a flying saucer is
sighted.

Wake up, America! There are no weather balloons! Those are alien
beings! They are all around us! I'm sure most of you have seen the
movie "E.T.", the story of an alien who almost dies when he falls into
the clutches of the American medical establishment but is saved by
pre-adolescent boys. Everybody believes the alien is a fake, a triumph
of special effects. But watch the movie closely next time. The alien is
real. The boys are fakes. Real pre-adolescent boys would have beaten the
alien to death with rocks.

Yes, aliens exist and high government officials know they exist, but
they've been keeping this knowledge top secret. Here is the Untold
Story: Years ago, when the alien-broadcast program began, government
scientists decided to broadcast a message that would be simple yet
convey a sense of love, universal peace and brotherhood: "Have a Nice
Day." They broadcast this message over and over, day after day, year
after year, until one day they got an answer:

Dear Earth Persons:

OK. We are having a nice day. We also have a number of extremely
sophisticated weapons, and unless you start broadcasting something more
interesting, we will reduce your planet to a very warm object the size
of a child's bowling ball.


Regards, The
Aliens

So the scientists, desperate for something that would interest the
aliens, broadcast an episode of "I Love Lucy", and the aliens loved it.
They demanded more, and soon they were getting all three major networks,
and the Earth was saved. There is only one problem: THE ALIENS HAVE
TERRIBLE TASTE. They love game shows, soap operas, Howard Cosell and
"Dallas." Whenever a network tries to take one of these shows off the
air, the aliens threaten to vaporize the planet.

This is why you and all your friends think television is so awful. It
isn't designed to please you --it's designed to please creatures from
another galaxy. You know the Wisk commercial, the one with ring around
the collar, the one so spectacularly stupid that it makes you wonder why
anybody would dream of buying the product? Well, the aliens love that
commercial. We all owe a great debt of gratitude to the people who make
Wisk. They have not sold a single bottle of Wisk in 14 years, but they
have saved the Earth.

Very few people know any of this. Needless to say, Congress has no idea
what is going on. Most legislators are incapable of eating breakfast
without the help of several aides, so we can hardly expect them to
understand a serious threat from outer space. But if they go ahead with
their plan to cancel the alien-broadcast program and the aliens miss the
next episode of "General Hospital," What do you think will happen?
Think about it. And have a nice day.