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From: jokes at funnyjokes.com[SMTP:jokes at funnyjokes.com]
Sent: Thursday, March 26, 1998 3:08 PM
To: Funnyjokes.com.JOKE-OF-THE-DAY at smtp.interlog.com
Subject: funnyjokes.com JOKE-OF-THE-DAY [March 26, 1998]

GARDEN SHEERS

In a sleepy town in Central Scotland, Jimmy and his
childhood sweetheart, Morag, are wed. That evening,
Morag lays down the law, "Now that we're married, I have
one rule. If you're ever unfaithful to me, I'll chop your
bits off!"

Years pass peacefully until the day Morag returns home to
find Jimmy in bed with another woman. True to her word,
she runs out to the garden and returns with a set of
garden sheers to exact her revenge.

Still gripping the severed giblets, she leaps into her car
and flees. She speeds through the village, swerving from
left to right in her rage. This attracts the attention of two
local coppers - Bill and Bob - who take off in pursuit.
Seeing them in her rear view mirror, Morag panics and
hurls the evidence out the window, which thumps with a
bloody splat on Bob and Bill's windscreen.

"Mother of God!" swears Bill. "Did you see the size of the
dick on that fly?"
__________________________________________________
TRAFFIC COP TALK

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after
it had run a stop sign.

"May I see your driver's license and registration please."

"What's the problem, officer?"

"You just ran that stop sign back there."

"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."

"Nevertheless, sir, you are required to come to a complete
stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir."

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no
one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to
a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your
license and..."

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the
matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your
license and registration immediately."

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing
down and coming to a complete stop."

At this point, the policeman had had about enough. "Sir, I
can do better than that." With that, the cop opened the
car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded
to methodically beat him over the head with his
nightstick. "Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or
come to a complete stop?"
__________________________________________________
WE GOT 'EM ALL

Two Texans are sitting in a small-town bar. One bragged
to the other, "You know, I had me every woman in this
town, except my mother and my sister."

"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got
'em all."
__________________________________________________
THINGS SOUTHERN PEOPLE WOULDN'T SAY

1. We don't keep firearms in this house.
2. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
3. I thought Graceland was tacky.
4. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
5. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
6. We're vegetarians.
7. Do you think my hair is too big?
8. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
9. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
10. Deer heads detract from the decor.
11. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
12. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
14. The tires on that truck are too big.
15. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
16. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
17. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
18. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
19. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
20. Checkmate.
21. She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
22. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't
seen.
23. I don't have a favorite college team.
24. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
25. Elvis who?
__________________________________________________
NIGHTLY ROUTINE

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after
dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent
the entire evening there and arrived home, well
inebriated, around midnight, every night. He always had
trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting
the door opened. His wife, who always waited up for him,
would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would
proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant
drunkenness and nights on the town. But, still, Harry
continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about
her husband's behavior. The friend suggested, "Why don't
you treat him a little differently when he comes home?
Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some
loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Who
knows, he then might change his ways."

The wife agreed to give it a shot.

That night, Harry left the house after dinner. Sometime
after midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door so she quickly let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always
done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room.
She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the
ottoman and took his shoes off. Then, she started to
cuddle him a little. "It's pretty late, dear. I think we'd
better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we
might as well 'cause I'll get in trouble when I get home
anyway."