This is NOT what I subscribed to tweeters for.

Jerry Converse
Grand Coulee, WA

Susi and Dale wrote:
>
> ----------
> From: jokes at funnyjokes.com[SMTP:jokes at funnyjokes.com]
> Sent: Thursday, March 26, 1998 3:08 PM
> To: Funnyjokes.com.JOKE-OF-THE-DAY at smtp.interlog.com
> Subject: funnyjokes.com JOKE-OF-THE-DAY [March 26, 1998]
>
> GARDEN SHEERS
>
> In a sleepy town in Central Scotland, Jimmy and his
> childhood sweetheart, Morag, are wed. That evening,
> Morag lays down the law, "Now that we're married, I have
> one rule. If you're ever unfaithful to me, I'll chop your
> bits off!"
>
> Years pass peacefully until the day Morag returns home to
> find Jimmy in bed with another woman. True to her word,
> she runs out to the garden and returns with a set of
> garden sheers to exact her revenge.
>
> Still gripping the severed giblets, she leaps into her car
> and flees. She speeds through the village, swerving from
> left to right in her rage. This attracts the attention of two
> local coppers - Bill and Bob - who take off in pursuit.
> Seeing them in her rear view mirror, Morag panics and
> hurls the evidence out the window, which thumps with a
> bloody splat on Bob and Bill's windscreen.
>
> "Mother of God!" swears Bill. "Did you see the size of the
> dick on that fly?"
> __________________________________________________
> TRAFFIC COP TALK
>
> A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after
> it had run a stop sign.
>
> "May I see your driver's license and registration please."
>
> "What's the problem, officer?"
>
> "You just ran that stop sign back there."
>
> "Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."
>
> "Nevertheless, sir, you are required to come to a complete
> stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."
>
> "You gotta be kidding me!"
>
> "It's no joke, sir."
>
> "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no
> one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
>
> "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to
> a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your
> license and..."
>
> "You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the
> matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"
>
> "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your
> license and registration immediately."
>
> "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing
> down and coming to a complete stop."
>
> At this point, the policeman had had about enough. "Sir, I
> can do better than that." With that, the cop opened the
> car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded
> to methodically beat him over the head with his
> nightstick. "Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or
> come to a complete stop?"
> __________________________________________________
> WE GOT 'EM ALL
>
> Two Texans are sitting in a small-town bar. One bragged
> to the other, "You know, I had me every woman in this
> town, except my mother and my sister."
>
> "Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got
> 'em all."
> __________________________________________________
> THINGS SOUTHERN PEOPLE WOULDN'T SAY
>
> 1. We don't keep firearms in this house.
> 2. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
> 3. I thought Graceland was tacky.
> 4. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
> 5. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
> 6. We're vegetarians.
> 7. Do you think my hair is too big?
> 8. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
> 9. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
> 10. Deer heads detract from the decor.
> 11. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
> 12. Trim the fat off that steak.
> 13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
> 14. The tires on that truck are too big.
> 15. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
> 16. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
> 17. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
> 18. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
> 19. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
> 20. Checkmate.
> 21. She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
> 22. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't
> seen.
> 23. I don't have a favorite college team.
> 24. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
> 25. Elvis who?
> __________________________________________________
> NIGHTLY ROUTINE
>
> Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after
> dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent
> the entire evening there and arrived home, well
> inebriated, around midnight, every night. He always had
> trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting
> the door opened. His wife, who always waited up for him,
> would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would
> proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant
> drunkenness and nights on the town. But, still, Harry
> continued his nightly routine.
>
> One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about
> her husband's behavior. The friend suggested, "Why don't
> you treat him a little differently when he comes home?
> Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some
> loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Who
> knows, he then might change his ways."
>
> The wife agreed to give it a shot.
>
> That night, Harry left the house after dinner. Sometime
> after midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
> His wife heard him at the door so she quickly let Harry in.
> This time, instead of berating him, as she had always
> done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room.
> She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the
> ottoman and took his shoes off. Then, she started to
> cuddle him a little. "It's pretty late, dear. I think we'd
> better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"
>
> At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we
> might as well 'cause I'll get in trouble when I get home
> anyway."