Hello Tweeters-
Allow me to share with you some exciting news made public today:

New advances in online technology have now enabled us to install several new features in the Tweeters Listserv software. We believe that these changes should both improve and also enhance your Tweeters reading experience.

1. P.R.A.T.T.L.E - Pre-emptory Re-t(h)read Aversion Technology To Limit Exhausting Exchange
Tweeters software will now constantly monitor new discussion topics for key words that indicate when a familiar topic is re-introduced. To save time for all involved participants, Tweeters Software will automatically notify all users and direct those interested to a designated website. The website will present characteristic arguments made in the past (often multiple times).
Subsequent attempts to post a message to list re-iterating flagged topics will be intercepted and replaced with another notice of the designated website.

Topics flagged for re-direction at first include:
4-letter codes
House Sparrow control
Hunting
As Tweeters evolves, other candidate topics will be added to this list.

2. G.A.R.M. - Gull Ambiguity Reinforcement Mechanism
Tweeters software is now structured to monitor all (on-list) discussions of rare washington gull sightings. With this simple new improvement, Tweeters Software will automatically insert a message after any gull thread has exceeded 4 messages. The automaticlly generated message will introduce the possibility of hybridization and dispute the initially proferred gull id. It is anticipated that throughout the winter months, this feature will alleviate the posting burdens for several listmembers.

3. H.A. - Humor Alert
Complex computer algorithms now allow us to identify and flag any messages sent in jest, regardless of the actual humor included. Tweeters software will now automatically send out a 'HA' notification after every such message to alert the list of any humorous posts.

4. O.R.N.I. Offline Rudeness Notification & Illumination
In the past, many Tweeters have posted follow-up messages indicating that they received rude or inappropriately harsh off-line responses to messages posted on Tweeters. To address this problem, Tweeters technology now allows us to read all off-list correspondance between Tweeters members. This exciting new feature will allow us to make public any off-line discussions that are deemed to exceed basic standards of polite conversation.

5. P.U.R.R. Public Unveiling & Rarity Revelation -
Another feature of the exciting new technology that allows Tweeters to now monitor all off-list correspondance! Concerned that some secret cabal of Tweeters are keeping secret the location of all the birds you want to see? Worry no more - with this new PURR feature, Tweeters will automatically scan all rarity disclosures made in off-list emails and forward details to the full list. Suburban owls and back-yard warblers will now be able to be viewed continuously!

The above 5 features will be initiated today, April 1, 2007. One forthcoming feature is too exciting to hold-off on. Coming in a year:

P.U.L.P - Personally Updatable List Processing

"Filters to make the list exactly as I want it to be." Do you have a hard time reading posts by people with different preferences than your own? Tired of trying to convince everyone else to see the world exactly as you do? If so, then the PULP filter will allow you to stop reading Tweeters as it is, and instead present you with Tweeters as you'd wish it was! Once you have specified your personal preferences and opinions, all opposing viewpoints will be filtered and altered so that the mail you read never challenges or threatens your own views. Don't want to hear about conservation efforts? All appeals flagged as conservation-related will be automatically re-written to your specifications. Never want to see read another post about a gull? Done! All those gull reports are tranformed or eliminated. Not a lister? PULP will add in exciting behavioral details to every species reported in a long list of birds. Not interested in 4-letter codes? All those codes can be converted to latin, english, or native plants! The possibilities are endless....

Anticipated roll-out of the PULP feature: April 1, 2008

We look forward to an exciting new level of discourse,

Matt Bartels
Tweeters Member
Seattle, WA