It was another boring day at A.U.K. (Authority Un-Known) a super-secret domestic spy agency that even the NSA doesn't know about. Funded by taxpayers, and also by a few extremely wealthy folks, they had plenty of real good equipment.



Down the counter from Frank someone was laughing. It was Ernest.



"Hey Frank", Ernest called over, "come here you've gotta see this, I think 'Nature Boy' has finally flipped his lid!". So Frank waddled over to check out Frank's video monitor. Frank started laughing too.



On the screen was me walking out my back door in the morning, doing what I call the 'spider crawl'. You see have a very bushy backyard, with a small deck and carport on posts, and every available bit of airspace has an orb-weaver spider web strung out in it. The 'spider crawl' is sort of an upright dog-paddling-like motion, with my arms out in front to clear the webs out in front of me as I walk around the backyard, so as not to eat a web, or a spider inadvertently. I could understand the spy's viewpoint - from a distance it does appear a bit demented if you can't see the webs. The spider crawl has to be done several times a day to get across the yard - those spiders work fast.



"Yeah ol' 'Nature Boy' was talking to snakes and birds last week" (hey, all I did was say hello!) but now I think we've lost him" Ernest said, still laughing.



"Would someone please remind me why we're even watching this guy?" asked Frank.



"Well first all we red-flagged him for making fun of blind consumerism. I mean that's our way of life he's attacking! And then we found him shopping for binoculars.



This seemed a bit thin to Frank. " Of course he was shopping for binoculars - he watches birds, in case you didn't notice."



" What kind of nut goes around watching birds, is what I'd like to know" sneered Ernest.



"Hey watch out, my dear old mother is a birder!" Frank said.



"Oh yeah, the little ol' lady in tennis shoes, right?" Ernest smirked.



"Actually she wears hiking boots, the ol' waffle stompers" Frank replied. Franks mother Martha was a tough old broad from hiking hundreds of miles over hill and dale, looking for birds, along with a lot of other things. She could 'a stomped both of these boy's waffles and left 'em in the dust, on one of her typical trips. They were woefully out of shape on this office spy job.



"Well this binocular thing still has me bugged" said Ernest, "not to mention all these 5-legged wonders we got running around out there".



"Five-legged wonders? What's that?" Frank asked.



"Oh that's what we call a tripod-and-user. And they all got these big honkin' telescopes and camera lens's on 'em. And some of those lenses even are camouflaged! Look, we got some prints off the computer of one of these guys" as he laid out a row of prints, looking mostly the same. "Look at 'em and tell me what you see".



"Well", Frank said,"it looks like a Western Kingbird on a chain-link fence to me. Mom would know for sure".



"No, not the bird, dummy! What's that behind the fence - a sewage treatment pond, that's what! I think that's what this guy was really checking out. He's up to something, I know it!"

Ernest was getting a bit worked up.



"Come on man, what's he gonna do poison a sewage pond? I mean wouldn't it make sense to move a bit further upstream for something like that?" Frank wondered. He was also wondering a bit about his partner.



"Hell, I don't know!" replied a frustrated Ernest. "What I do know is that all this bird talk is making me thirsty. I think I have something apropos to the moment" and reaching into his desk he pulled out a pint of Old Crow. They said cheers, drinking out of plastic cups.



Frank went down to his desk, and came back with a flask. He poured them each a shot.



"What this stuff?" asked Ernest.



"Wild Turkey. Let's raise a toast: "to the birds!" says Frank



"To the Birds!" say's Ernest.



Jeff Gibson

in the webs of

Everett Wa